New Year resolutions are often based on health, fitness and preparing for your summer “beach body.” I think that the dark winter days are meant for Irish coffees by the fire, comfy sweaters and soups you can eat with a fork.  It is much easier to diet and exercise in the summer; lots of ways to get your sweat on, fresh produce everywhere and long days to be active.

Like many, I am no stranger to dieting and have tried my fair share. Let’s recap some of my diet don’ts.

Do you remember the season of The Real World, when Tami wired her jaw shut to keep from eating?  Well, I couldn’t find a doctor to do that but my roommates at the time thought a close second would be for us to consume vodka soaked cotton balls as a means of dieting.  We heard it worked for Kate Moss.

Jennifer Anniston is said to swear by colonics as a weight loss method.  If you think jaw wiring and consuming cotton balls are weird, try having your colon roto-rooted while wide awake and in a bright room…with company and by choice.

Have you ever ditched carbs?  Sure, it’s fine to eat a 20oz Porterhouse while dining out but you might find yourself wanting to stab someone with that steak knife for a crouton atop the passing 200-calorie salad with the dressing on the side.

My latest is “The Dog Food Diet.” Yesterday I was buying a bag of dog food at Safeway and was asked by the woman behind me if I had a dog. I replied, yes, but this purchase was because I was starting the “Dog Food Diet” again, despite ending up in the hospital the last time. Even though I ended up in the ICU, I did lose 40 pounds and wanted to give it another try.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet.  Since kibble is nutritionally complete, you just put a few nuggets in your pocket and snack on them when you are hungry. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I’d been poisoned by the dog food? I told her no, it happened because I stepped off a curb to sniff a cat’s a$$ and got hit by a car. Her face turned white with shock, but I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!

And hopefully, you are now too.  I can’t take credit for coming up with that story but rather wanted to pass along the chuckle and the lesson. Always keep a positive attitude about dieting, laugh when applicable, and fuel your body with good nourishment made for human consumption.  And sometimes, just eat the cake without regret.  Be healthy and love all of you, all of the time, friends.

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