This month I have made a collection of all my favorite Covid-isms floating around the internet. All of my energy this month has gone to dusting my house with Q-tips instead of writing creatively. Next month, I’ll be back with an original piece about toilet paper hoarding and how wiping with a washcloth ain’t so bad. Until then, have a laugh at these.

Have you ever come in contact with glitter? Like hugged or shaken hands with someone who was wear or using it? And how for the next two weeks it hangs around forever and ends up on surfaces you can’t recall touching, and places you can’t imagine it ever getting, and seems to still be there even after showering and washing? Think of COVID-19 as glitter.

I made the mistake of telling my husband that an early symptom of COVID-19 is a loss of smell. He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity, and then when I react, informing me he is helpfully “performing a health check.” He taught the children the technique. I may divorce him.

Grocery shopping has become a real-life version of Pac-Man. Avoid everyone, get the fruit, and take any route to avoid contact.

Mosquito’s are waking up from winter-like…” where y’all’s at?”

Joe Exotic would be thrilled to know that he alone brought a nation together as we weathered a pandemic. #TigerKing

QUARANTINE DIARY

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic

Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix

BREAKING NEWS: The low flying helicopters passing over Middleburg and the surrounding areas at night are actually medical satellites to take everybody’s temperature. Next time you hear them, stand outside naked so they can get an accurate read.

Now that I’ve lived during a plague, I get why most Renaissance paintings are of chubby women laying around with their boobs out.

Baskin Robbins sign: No relation to Carole.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video and replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She’s 10.

You know we’re going to be quarantined for Mother’s Day, but get out just in time for Father’s Day. #typical.

I wonder if Target misses me too.

Frank Gallagher would have three stimulus checks by now.

Neighbors and Friends, find the lemonade during this global pause. Share love. Care. Support. Understand—practice patience. Find the lesson you were meant to learn.